That's what these pages are dedicated to - building strong marriages and relationships. And who am I to talk? Well, I realize I'm not married yet, but that doesn't mean that I haven't done the research to find out the keys to a successful relationship. I am currently taking an "engagement" class at my church - and through that class and my own studies, I have found a LOT of information worth passing on to others about the amazing relationship that is marriage!
For starters, WHAT IS LOVE?.
People have sung songs about it, written plays about it, spent their lives looking for it...but do we REALLY know what we sing about, write about and search for? Some say they do, and here is a general synopsis of what "they" are saying about
There are four kinds of love that people experience.
Relationships are Crazy!
There are many combinations of these kinds of love, and I’m sure you can see YOUR relationship in ALL of these. That is wonderful! If you DON’T see these in your relationship, then it’s time to do some searching and to see if you are in a healthy relationship!
Now, below you'll see a chart that outlines the three basic kinds of love in a relationship. Click on any of the words to find out some brief details on each of these three and then we'll learn about the pitfalls of the phrase "two out of three ain't bad."
Personality Goes a Long Way
Remember that quote from Pulp Fiction? It's true - personality DOES go a long way! Would the subdued Elizabeth Taylor have been the sex symbol she was in the Fifties if she had acted more like the girl next door Doris Day? Would Madonna be Madonna if she had acted more like her NAME than the antithesis of it? You can always here a good conversation about personalities! Quiet people, loud people. There is a huge dynamic within one group - and a more diverse one with one couple! I invite you to go to The Personality Page to learn more about YOUR personality type!
Communication is Key
Ask anyone about their relationship, and they will stress that communication is the most important thing any couple can have.
And this is completely true! But did you know that there are five levels to good communication? And there are also four ways to miscommunicate - and you may not even realize you do it!
Good communication is built in the beginning by who you are, and later by what you do!
This means that when you and your partner first met, that you were able to communicate effectively because you were interested in the other person, and who he/she was. But as your relationship grew,
so did your knowledge of that person grow, and so your communication moved to being more about what you do as a result of really knowing that person!
Most couples can get to Level Four (Emotion) to have a good marriage, but to have a GREAT marriage - we should seek to reach Level Five.
Now, along with GOOD communication, we all have forms of BAD communication. It has been said that SILENCE is a lack of communication, but it is actually a FORM of miscommunication. I know I'm guilty of it!
Silence is born out of fear in a relationship. Fear of pain, fear of vulnerability, and fear of inadequacy. If you are greeted by silence while trying to communicate with your partner, then try and help your mate
figure out WHERE the silence comes from. Chances are, it may be one of those three things...and together you can fix it!
Do you see yourself in these types? There are others that I'm sure you can think of, but believe it or not, 50% of men
say they fall into the first category: The Placater
Resolving Conflict The goal of a relationship should NOT be to never have conflict. Without conflicts, a relationship can't grow.
Conflict is not always bad. It shows differences and misunderstandings,
but as we work out these conflicts, we will find our relationship getting better!
All of these things can lend itself to strain in a relationship. I can't deny that I go through any of those emotions, but the key is to recognize when I'm entering one of those zones and
trying to stop it before it goes to far and creates a hurtful situation with my loved one. As I said a moment ago, Conflict in itself is not bad. There are healthy ways to have conflict. Not surprisingly, most of them have to do with how we communicate our concerns and
differences.
The key is to figure out what you can do to DIFFUSE the conflict. How can you resolve it effectively? Obviously, talking about it will do the trick, but if we can't articulate our feelings without
losing control or becoming irrational, then we need to learn how to handle that strong emotion and deal with the subject later. Better to calm down and discuss it later than to continue the argument
and possibly have it grow into something larger.
Now, besides STARTING conflict, we also need to deal with our RESPONSES to conflict. If we are faced with a challenging situation, there are 5 typical responses that we have. Those
include withdrawal, intimidation, yielding, compromise, and resolution. Following is more detail on each of these:
Conflict demands loving confrontation and openness. In turn, this determination to resolve differences should be greeted with understanding and a willingness to help.
When conflict goes unresolved, anger can set in. The longer the conflict goes unresolved, the more anger takes hold and affects the relationship. And, if anger is not
dealt with - depression takes hold and deteriorate chances for resolution even more.
"Y" is what's happening
"Z" is the result
Here's an example: When you travel on the road (X), and you don't call to tell me you miss me (B), then I feel lonely and unloved (Z).
See how that works? It's much better than saying "You never call me when you travel", which has an accusatory tone to it. This will cause the other person to get defensive, and
will lead to a breakdown in communication - thus causing greater conflict!!!